


I'm Right Where I Should Be

by godamnarmsrace



Series: My Tumblr Ask Love Reply Fics [10]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Broken Robert, Gen, M/M, Post ONS Storyline, Robert goes to therapy, robron - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 10:38:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11160180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godamnarmsrace/pseuds/godamnarmsrace
Summary: He’d promised to try though, so he would because he owed at least that and more.But who was counting.Oh right, he was.“Robert?” she asked, she had kind eyes and a gentleness to her that made him want to scream. “Would you like to tell me why you’re here?”





	I'm Right Where I Should Be

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by the lovely [@blueswinseverytime](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluewinseverytime/pseuds/Bluewinseverytime) thanks Matty darling. All mistakes are my own.
> 
> Title from 10 Years 'Fix Me'

Sometimes it felt like he was back in that car again. Drowning. Helpless. Sad.

Sad. It didn’t seem to be a big enough word and yet lately, it dripped from him. Burying him under a pile of anxiety and self-hatred. A sadness he didn’t know how to stop.

Some days were good, a smile from his husband was all that was needed to break the cycle and yet others, that same smile looked tinged with disappointment and pain, the sadness would threaten to swamp him even with Aaron by his side.

He spent time hiding in plain sight. No one paid much attention to him and he discovered he liked it best this way.

He didn’t want all eyes on him.

Didn’t want to be judged. He punished himself enough, he didn’t need other people to join in on the party.

He promised to get help, but even talking about it didn’t make it better. There was just pain and sadness and fear.

If it wasn’t sadness, it was the fear that got to him in the darkness of their bedroom, laying there listening to his husband’s soft snores.

It should have filled him with peace, instead there was only white-blinding fear, that lit up the darkness in its ferocity.

It would end. Eventually he would come to know too much, be unable to forgive too little and his world would leave him.

There would be no more soft snores, no more quiet nights snuggled on the couch, and no more sad smiles that flowed with understanding.

Just smiles that didn’t reach eyes, anger and fear and loathing.

And there would be nothing, but the sadness and the void of knowing what he’d had before but would never have again.

He’d promised to try though, so he would because he owed at least that and more.

But who was counting.

Oh right, he was.

“Robert?” she asked, she had kind eyes and a gentleness to her that made him want to scream. “Would you like to tell me why you’re here?”

“Because I made a promise to my husband and I don’t know how to be the kind of person that keeps them. I don’t want to lose him, but I’m not even sure if I deserve him anymore, in fact I know I don’t,” Robert whispered, picking at a scab on his hand he’d gotten when he punched the wall outside the Mill.

Ignoring his words, she nodded towards his hand, “How did you get that?”

“Anger. I wanted to feel something other than drowning sadness and pain seems to work for my husband,” Robert said, folding his arms and hiding his hands from further scrutiny.

“What did he say?”

Robert smiled, but he knew it was just facsimile of the real thing, his brain remembered how, but his chest didn’t. “He got pissed. Told me to stop being a selfish asshole and that I knew better than to go down his path.”

“And do you know better, Robert?” she questioned.

“I don’t know anything.” Robert held himself tight.


End file.
